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In Honor Of The Demise Of Nintendo Power, Here’s A Sketch From 2008

When I heard that Nintendo Power was going on, the first thing I thought of was the below sketch I wrote with the lovely Geoff Haggerty. We never did it on stage, but I do still love the idea of it, so there you go. Oh, and I really want to play “Pet Party.”

In case it isn’t clear, this is a video sketch, and everybody is talking very intensely, Aaron Sorkin style.

Rest in Peace, Nintendo Power! 

TITLE CARD: Offices of Nintendo Power, 1:34pm, Thursday

JAMESON is playing Wii rather intently. STUART enters.

STUART

Hey, Jameson, you have that review of Pet Party yet?

                         JAMESON

Still working on it.

                         STUART

I need it by 3. What have you got so far?

                         JAMESON

I don’t know… The controls are a little wonky for the Doggie Surprise Party mini-game. I kind of feel like I can’t give it higher than a 98 out of 100 at this point.

                         STUART

So it’s only amazing?

                         JAMESON

Very amazing.

                         STUART

Hm. I need to call the main office, and make sure they’re going to be okay with that kind of review.

                         JAMESON

I’ll just give it 100.

                         STUART

Good work, Jameson.

                         NUTSY

(Pops head in.) Hey, Stuart, can I see you for a second.

                         STUART

Be right there. 3pm, Jameson.

                         JAMESON

You got it, boss. I gotta whip those dogs.

          (STUART walks over to NUTSY, who is in

          a different office.)

                         STUART

What’s up, Nutsy. We’re on a deadline here.

                         NUTSY

Stop the presses, boss, I just got you a cover story.

                         STUART

Don’t leave me on pause here.

                         NUTSY

I just heard from a very reliable source that there’s going to be a new… brace yourself… Metroid game.

                         STUART

Jesus. Who’s your source?

                         NUTSY

Nintendo.

                         STUART

Nice. Go with it. (Goes to leave) Hey, preliminary rating, what are you thinking of going with?

                         NUTSY

I’m thinking 100.

                         STUART

Let me know if it changes.

                         NUTSY

It won’t.

          (STUART walks out, DANVERS grabs him.)

                         DANVERS

Hey Big Boss, lemme pitch you on a few stories.

                         STUART

I don’t have time for this, Danvers.

                         DANVERS

Come on, listen to this. How about an expose about people who haven’t bought a Wii yet. You know, a real gritty street piece about how consumers are denying themselves the joy of using Nintendo’s amazing system.

                         STUART

I don’t know, Danvers, sounds a little raw to me. What else you  got.

                         DANVERS

I could do a piece on Halo.

                         STUART

What’s that?

                         DANVERS

I don’t know.

                         STUART

All right, do the first thing. And Danvers? Don’t fuck this one up. Your Nintendo Seal of Approval is on the line.

          (DANVERS leaves, STUART bumps into JOSH,

who is playing DS.)

                         STUART

Hey new guy, what you got there?

                         JOSH

Pet Party DS. I’m trying to whip the dogs with the stylus, and it’s just not responding.

                         STUART

Well give it time. How amazing is it?

                         JOSH

I don’t think it’s amazing at all?

                         STUART

Is it… Fantastic, then? Spectacular? Ground-Breaking? Best game in history?

                         JOSH

No… I think I’m going to have to give it a C.

          (NUTSY and JAMESON pop their heads

          out of their offices.)

                         JAMESON

What? Did he just say C?

                         STUART

What are we talking Roman numerals here?

                         JOSH

Yup. Roman numerals. I’m giving it 100.

                         STUART

Good man. Whip those dogs!

                         JOSH

Yes sir!

LIGHTS


Okay, two more things. First thing, on the script is probably my favorite comment ever, from the other wonderful members of the group: “Maybe not Nintendo Power?” Awesome. Also, there was this tag, which I assume was a reference to something in 2008 when we wrote it? Someone explain this to me:

(JOSH walks away. STUART looks at

          his empire, approvingly. BRECKIN

          has been on stage the whole time,

          looks up from his Wii controller.)

                         BRECKIN

Boss, could you come over here?

                         STUART

What have you got, guest reviewer Breckin Meyer?

                         BRECKIN

Ummm… This game is changing my life.

                         STUART

Amazing, huh?

                         BRECKIN

It’s beyond amazing. This game has made me laugh, and cry, and it’s playability is off the charts.

                         STUART

Sounds like a 100 to me.

                         BRECKIN

Can we give it more than 100?

                         STUART

Unprecedented!

                         BRECKIN

I know there’s no number higher than 100, but can we add something? Maybe give it two one hundreds?

                         STUART

 We could do a point/counter-point. Like one guy thinks it’s a 100, and the other guy thinks it’s 100?

                         BRECKIN

I’ll be the guy who thinks it’s one hundred.

                         STUART

Go for it.

                         BRECKIN

Thank you.

          (STUART walks away.)

                         BRECKIN

Do you want to keep talking about this game?

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