When I heard that Nintendo Power was going on, the first thing I thought of was the below sketch I wrote with the lovely Geoff Haggerty. We never did it on stage, but I do still love the idea of it, so there you go. Oh, and I really want to play “Pet Party.”
In case it isn’t clear, this is a video sketch, and everybody is talking very intensely, Aaron Sorkin style.
Rest in Peace, Nintendo Power!
TITLE CARD: Offices of Nintendo Power, 1:34pm, Thursday
JAMESON is playing Wii rather intently. STUART enters.
STUART
Hey, Jameson, you have that review of Pet Party yet?
JAMESON
Still working on it.
STUART
I need it by 3. What have you got so far?
JAMESON
I don’t know… The controls are a little wonky for the Doggie Surprise Party mini-game. I kind of feel like I can’t give it higher than a 98 out of 100 at this point.
STUART
So it’s only amazing?
JAMESON
Very amazing.
STUART
Hm. I need to call the main office, and make sure they’re going to be okay with that kind of review.
JAMESON
I’ll just give it 100.
STUART
Good work, Jameson.
NUTSY
(Pops head in.) Hey, Stuart, can I see you for a second.
STUART
Be right there. 3pm, Jameson.
JAMESON
You got it, boss. I gotta whip those dogs.
(STUART walks over to NUTSY, who is in
a different office.)
STUART
What’s up, Nutsy. We’re on a deadline here.
NUTSY
Stop the presses, boss, I just got you a cover story.
STUART
Don’t leave me on pause here.
NUTSY
I just heard from a very reliable source that there’s going to be a new… brace yourself… Metroid game.
STUART
Jesus. Who’s your source?
NUTSY
Nintendo.
STUART
Nice. Go with it. (Goes to leave) Hey, preliminary rating, what are you thinking of going with?
NUTSY
I’m thinking 100.
STUART
Let me know if it changes.
NUTSY
It won’t.
(STUART walks out, DANVERS grabs him.)
DANVERS
Hey Big Boss, lemme pitch you on a few stories.
STUART
I don’t have time for this, Danvers.
DANVERS
Come on, listen to this. How about an expose about people who haven’t bought a Wii yet. You know, a real gritty street piece about how consumers are denying themselves the joy of using Nintendo’s amazing system.
STUART
I don’t know, Danvers, sounds a little raw to me. What else you got.
DANVERS
I could do a piece on Halo.
STUART
What’s that?
DANVERS
I don’t know.
STUART
All right, do the first thing. And Danvers? Don’t fuck this one up. Your Nintendo Seal of Approval is on the line.
(DANVERS leaves, STUART bumps into JOSH,
who is playing DS.)
STUART
Hey new guy, what you got there?
JOSH
Pet Party DS. I’m trying to whip the dogs with the stylus, and it’s just not responding.
STUART
Well give it time. How amazing is it?
JOSH
I don’t think it’s amazing at all?
STUART
Is it… Fantastic, then? Spectacular? Ground-Breaking? Best game in history?
JOSH
No… I think I’m going to have to give it a C.
(NUTSY and JAMESON pop their heads
out of their offices.)
JAMESON
What? Did he just say C?
STUART
What are we talking Roman numerals here?
JOSH
Yup. Roman numerals. I’m giving it 100.
STUART
Good man. Whip those dogs!
JOSH
Yes sir!
LIGHTS
Okay, two more things. First thing, on the script is probably my favorite comment ever, from the other wonderful members of the group: “Maybe not Nintendo Power?” Awesome. Also, there was this tag, which I assume was a reference to something in 2008 when we wrote it? Someone explain this to me:
(JOSH walks away. STUART looks at
his empire, approvingly. BRECKIN
has been on stage the whole time,
looks up from his Wii controller.)
BRECKIN
Boss, could you come over here?
STUART
What have you got, guest reviewer Breckin Meyer?
BRECKIN
Ummm… This game is changing my life.
STUART
Amazing, huh?
BRECKIN
It’s beyond amazing. This game has made me laugh, and cry, and it’s playability is off the charts.
STUART
Sounds like a 100 to me.
BRECKIN
Can we give it more than 100?
STUART
Unprecedented!
BRECKIN
I know there’s no number higher than 100, but can we add something? Maybe give it two one hundreds?
STUART
We could do a point/counter-point. Like one guy thinks it’s a 100, and the other guy thinks it’s 100?
BRECKIN
I’ll be the guy who thinks it’s one hundred.
STUART
Go for it.
BRECKIN
Thank you.
(STUART walks away.)
BRECKIN
Do you want to keep talking about this game?
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