Alex Zalben Dot Com

Up above is the trailer for The Farelly Brothers ‘Movie 43,’ a sketch comedy film being released later this year. Funny thing about that: my sketch group Elephant Larry wrote two sketches for the movie, which I’m pretty sure didn’t make the final cut. I’m pretty sure about that, because we wrote the sketches, and last heard from the production company almost exactly five years ago in 2007.

Anyway, if what we wrote did somehow get turned into Gerard Butler pretending to be a leprechaun, my apologies for the spoilers. But since it has been so long, and we never got paid to my knowledge, here’s the two sketches in their entirety. Last thing I heard, they were all very excited about these! So fingers crossed.

TRAPPED IN A MONTAGE

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PLAZA - MORNING RUSH HOUR

JEREMY, a businessman is running down the street; he’s late for his big meeting! Suddenly, he bumps into a woman, SARAH. Papers scatter everywhere.

SARAH

Hey, watch it!

JEREMY

Me watch it?!  You’re the one standing in the middle of the street while I’m trying to…

They see each other. There’s a connection. 

JEREMY (cont.)

…run and not look where I’m going…

SARAH

Ha ha.

JEREMY

  I’m sorry.

SARAH

  I’m Sarah.

JEREMY

  Jeremy. 

SARAH

Well listen, seeing as how you so rudely 

bumped into me just now, I’m gonna let you 

let me buy you some coffee.

SARAH smiles.

We begin a dating montage, complete with romantic music.

JEREMY and SARAH are sitting in a coffee shop, JEREMY talking, SARAH laughing.

We cut to JEREMY at SARAH’s door, at night, with flowers, SHE’s getting her shoes on and smiles.

Cut back to coffee shop, JEREMY has two stirrers in his nose. SARAH is laughing again.

During the day, walking down ANOTHER STREET with ice cream, they see some cute doggies.

Another day, on a ROLLERCOASTER, JEREMY is totally about to barf; SARAH is having a great time.

Back in the coffee shop, SARAH laughs so hard, she knocks boiling coffee on his crotch.

On the street with ice cream, the dog bites JEREMY’s crotch.

JEREMY wins SARAH a big blue bear by knocking over some bottles at a game booth. She kisses him on the cheek. A ball hits him in the crotch.

Over at a baseball stadium, JEREMY and SARAH are in the middle of doing “The Wave” with the rest of THE CROWD. They’re starting to look a little tired.

SARAH is sitting across from JEREMY at a restaurant, they are very dazed. A WAITER brings their food, they’re surprised for a second, then are about to dig in, but their food turns into popcorn.

In a movie theater, JEREMY and SARAH are sitting side by side, holding popcorn. They look very, very confused. The AUDIENCE is laughing.

Slow fadey shots of JEREMY and SARAH in the sunset, walking on the beach. JEREMY holds SARAH, about to kiss her; they are both looking very anxious and frustrated that everything is going by so quickly.

They are in a softly candle-lit room, with the bay doors open. The wind is blowing the white curtains hanging from the four-poster bed. SARAH & JEREMY are kissing each other, fumbling with each other’s clothes. JEREMY is softly crying.

The morning after. SARAH is riding white horses on the beach with JEREMY. They’re holding hands. JEREMY shrugs, he has no idea why they’re on horses.

SARAH and JEREMY are in a laboratory. They are mixing chemicals, and clearly have no idea what is going on. SARAH goes to break a test tube…

…which turns into the ice cream cone from the previous scene. They are back walking in the earlier part of the montage. JEREMY gets bit in the crotch again by a doggie.

CUT TO: MONTAGE EXTRICATION TEAM HEADQUARTERS (A.K.A., METH) TRUCK

METH is a TV truck.  GARY is watching JEREMY and SARAH on a bunch of monitors. We can see JEREMY’S crotch still being bitten by the dog.

GARY turns away from the monitor, and picks up a head-piece.

GARY

All units, we have a Temporal Compression 

in sector 5B. Been stuck there two days, 

could be fatal.

CUT TO: METH STAGING AREA

CLIVE is a METH operative, dressed in a black t-shirt and pants.

CLIVE

We’re on it.

CUT BACK TO: ROMANCE MONTAGE

Romantic music is playing again.

JEREMY and SARAH are, at this point, not at all into what is going on. JEREMY is showing SARAH how to fly a kite, but they are basically like zombies.

Now they are walking on a boardwalk, eating cotton candy, hating every minute of it. As they pass by a bench, we see two METH agents have been hiding there. The METH agents, start to go after them, but first we cut to—

JEREMY and SARAH dancing. They are basically almost dead.  Two METH operatives are trying to work their way towards them, but just as they are about to reach JEREMY and SARAH, we cut to…

JEREMY and SARAH on bikes. THEY are riding, now with zero energy, when out of nowhere, the METH agents tackle them and knock them off screen.

CUT TO: SIDE OF STREET - DAY

Romantic music has cut out. JEREMY and SARAH are lying on the ground, the wind totally knocked out of them.

JEREMY

(Coughing) Thank you. Oh my god, thank you.

SARAH turns her head to the side and pukes a little.

CLIVE

All in a days work. Stay out of

montages, you two.

GARY (V.O.)

Clive, we’ve got a Haggertonian Time Dilation 

in progress.

CLIVE

Training montage. That could get ugly.

GARY (V.O.)

You better hurry, he’s running up the

steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

CLIVE

I’m on my way.

CLIVE gets on an awesome bike and drives off. JEREMY and SARAH wave goodbye as CLIVE rides off into the sunset. At the last second before we cut, a dog runs up and starts biting JEREMY’s crotch.

CUT TO: METH STAGING AREA

CLIVE is a METH operative, dressed in a black t-shirt and pants.

CLIVE

We’re on it.

Really intense Mission Impossible style music starts to play, as CLIVE and his fellow operatives suit up in a montage, putting on their black gloves, black boots, black guns, and-

CUT TO: METH TRUCK

GARY

Guys! Just get to it!

CUT TO: METH STAGING AREA

CLIVE

Oh. Yeah.

THEY put on the rest of their uniform at a regular pace in one steady wide shot, then shuffle out of the room.

RETARDED COP:

Detective Damon Westlake: Samuel L. Jackson

Tim Hendricks, Forensic Psychologist: Bruce Willis

Chief: Raymond J. Barry

Lieutenant: Frank Whaley

Witness: Alfre Woodard

Sketch Artist: William Fichtner

OPEN ON MONTAGE: HOMICIDE VICTIMS, CUT TOGETHER WITH FLASHBULBS

WESTLAKE (V.O.)

Stockbroker on Water St. with his throat cut, 5:15 PM.  A stripper shot on West 12th, 6:48.  And now, a janitor strangled on 37th Street-

CUT TO: CRIME SCENE, 37TH STREET - NIGHT

WESTLAKE and CHIEF are standing over a corpse.

WESTLAKE

(checking watch)

8:22 PM.

CHIEF

Three completely different murders, Westlake.  How can you be so sure there’s a connection?

WESTLAKE

I can feel it.  It’s one man, making his way uptown.

CHIEF

Let’s see what the expert has to say.  Profiler’s here.

A black car pulls up the scene.  TIM HENDRICKS, the forensic psychologist, steps out of the back seat.  He is retarded.

HENDRICKS

I want ice cream.

CUT TO: INT. DINER - NIGHT

WESTLAKE and HENDRICKS sit in a booth, WESTLAKE with a cup coffee, HENDRICKS with a huge sundae that has an upside-down cone in it.

WESTLAKE

I’m glad you’re here, Hendricks.  I heard about the work you did in Philly-

HENDRICKS

Tell me a story.

WESTLAKE

…Okay.  It’s three kills, all different methods-

HENDRICKS

Three-four-five!  Bathroom.

Just as HENDRICKS gets up to go to the bathroom, bullets fly towards where he was sitting.  PEOPLE in the diner scream.

WESTLAKE

EVERYBODY DOWN!

We see a CLOAKED FIGURE run out of the diner.

CUT TO: POLICE CAR - NIGHT

WESTLAKE and HENDRICKS speed up 6th Avenue, sirens blaring.

WESTLAKE

It’s gotta be a cop!  How else could he know about us?

HENDRICKS

(pointing)

There!

CUT TO: INT. TOYS ‘R’ US - NIGHT

HENDRICKS is at the checkout counter holding an enormous stuffed animal.

WESTLAKE

How is this relevant?

CUT TO: INT. POLICE STATION, CHIEF’S OFFICE - NIGHT

LIEUTENANT

Chief, there’s been a fourth.

CHIEF

Where the hell is Westlake?!

CUT TO: CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT

WESTLAKE and HENDRICKS are taking a carriage ride.  WESTLAKE is angry and confused, HENDRICKS is overjoyed.

HENDRICKS

I’m on fire?

WESTLAKE

Nope.

We hear a BEEP.  WESTLAKE takes out a cellphone.  He has a text message that reads: “LOOK RIGHT.”  He looks to his right to see a MAN falling off a building and exploding halfway down.

WESTLAKE (cont.)

What the FU-

CUT TO: CENTRAL PARK WEST CRIME SCENE - NIGHT

WESTLAKE is taking a WITNESS’s statement.

WITNESS

I saw a man in the lobby… oh my god!

She points.  We see the CLOAKED FIGURE running past HENDRICKS, who has been tearing the head off of his stuffed animal.

WESTLAKE

HENDRICKS!  GO!!

HENDRICKS

HEY!!

HENDRICKS runs after the CLOAKED FIGURE, taking out his gun and accidentally shooting a HOT DOG VENDOR.

WESTLAKE

Jesus, Hendricks.

CUT TO: POLICE STATION - LATER

HENDRICKS is covered in a blanket, holding a cup of cocoa.  WESTLAKE and the CHIEF and LIEUTENANT observe as he talks to a SKETCH ARTIST.

SKETCH ARTIST

Who did you see?

HENDRICKS

My mom.

WESTLAKE

No, it was a man, your mom’s not a man.

HENDRICKS

I want that.

HENDRICKS takes the pad from the SKETCH ARTIST and makes a 2-year-old-level drawing of a tree, some grass and a stick figure.  The stick figure is particularly ugly.

SKETCH ARTIST

Oh my god.  It’s Nicholas Keane.

WESTLAKE

Keane died in ‘98!

CHIEF

There was no body.

HENDRICKS

Pump!

He kneels down to inflate his Reebok Pump sneakers, and a crossbow arrow flies through the window, killing the SKETCH ARTIST.

LIEUTENANT

Sketch Artist!!

TITLE CARD: THIS FALL

CUT TO: WEST SIDE HIGHWAY

WESTLAKE and HENDRICKS are tearing up the highway in their squad car.  WESTLAKE pulls out his .45 and cocks it while driving.  HENDRICKS pulls out his gun and blows away the windshield.

WESTLAKE

Motherfu-

CUT TO: POLICE STATION

LIEUTENANT

(into phone)

Westlake, Keane was internal affairs.  He knows where you live, he’s headed for your daughter’s apartment!

CUT TO: CARNIVAL

WESTLAKE and HENDRICKS are riding a ferris wheel.  HENDRICKS howls with glee.  WESTLAKE is stonefaced.

TITLE CARD: THEPOLICE PEOPEL

CUT TO: GRIMY ALLEY - NIGHT

The squad car screeches to a halt.  WESTLAKE takes off on foot after the CLOAKED FIGURE.  HENDRICKS steps out of the car and sees a wooden toy shape sorting box.  He sits on the floor Indian-style and picks it up.  WESTLAKE turns around and sees him.

TITLE CARD: BECOME THE TARGT

CUT TO: GRIMY ALLEY - CONTINUOUS

WESTLAKE

Come on, Hendricks!  Don’t you see, he’s playing games with you!

HENDRICKS

(all of a sudden screaming and almost crying)

I LIKE GAMES!!!

WESTLAKE stares back at him, bewildered.

FINAL TITLE CARD:  SPECIAL FORCES

Or

FINAL TITLE CARD:  ORIGINAL SYNDROME

Or

FINAL TITLE CARD:  TOTALLY RETARDED