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Sketch Time Machine: Find The Queen

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2003

Two things occur to me off the bat about this one:

1) I don’t care what anyone thinks, but I love this sketch. This is probably my favorite sketch that’s never been done.

2) People HATE puns. They think they’re stupid. I think they’re wrong. I think wordplay is clever, and though it may not be in vogue, clever wordplay is still insanely impressive. Not that this sketch is the best ever, I’m just saying on general principle. Generally, puns elicit a groan. A groan is not angry, it’s not negative, though we think it is. Think about what your face does when you groan: you roll your eyes back in your head, and you smile with half of your lips. You don’t frown angrily. So a groan, in my mind, is a good reaction.


  • The last line always got a big laugh from the group when I’d read it, and then they’d say, “Okay, moving on.”
  • This is what is called a Blackout sketch, or what we used to call in college, a Shnug. Fun fact!

Here’s the sketch:


A stacked deck by Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: Sam, Dealer, Queen

DEALER is onstage, doing what he does best: Dealing cards!


How do you play this game?


Find the queen, you win the money.


Cool! Be right back.

          (He exits, re-enters with the Queen of

          England over his shoulder.)

                         SAM (CONT’D)

Found her!

          (Dealer sighs, hands out money.)


Put me down.




But it’s my Golden Jubilee!

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