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Sketch Time Machine: Giant Venus Fly Trap Land

Last updated on March 4, 2019

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: June, 2003

This is another sketch Jeff and I wrote, and it’s actually been performed on stage a bunch of times, even as recently as a few years ago. I will cop to this: I don’t know that I’ve ever done a particularly good job in the straight man role in this. It may be the way we wrote the lines, but I’ve never felt 100% comfortable performing it. Maybe I should have recast the role, I gue– NEVER!!!

NOTES:

Jeff read everything in this happy, upbeat monotone, with the words turning up at the wrong times. So, you know, do that when you read it.

This starts off with one of my favorite pieces of stage business we’ve ever done, which is: lights come up, and there’s someone mid-way through exiting the stage. They never say anything or face the audience, they just walk out. I think it starts things off on the right, off-kilter element.

Far be it from me to remember how we came up with this idea. Probably talking about Ikea? Or venus fly traps? I don’t know. I will say I used to keep venus fly traps as pets when I was a kid, I’d get a new one every time I went to a science museum. So there’s that.

Here’s the sketch:

GIANT VENUS IKEA TRAP 

A honey vinegar by Alexander Zalben and Jeff Solomon

CHARACTERS: Roger, James

                         ROGER

Thanks for coming to Ikea, have a go-ut day! Hi can, I help you?

                         JAMES

I sure hope so.

                         ROGER

So do I.

                         JAMES

Great. Well listen, I ordered a varnamo loveseat and a gustag bookshelf for my new apartment, and instead I got a gigantic clay flower pot. I don’t even think it has a Swedish name.

                         ROGER

Everything has a Swedish name. Now then. How gigantic was this gigantic clay pot?

                         JAMES

Bigger than you. Much bigger.

                         ROGER

This doesn’t sound good. What’s your address?

     (JAMES hands ROGER the receipt.)

                         JAMES

What is it?

     (ROGER types something in.)

                         ROGER

Okay, here’s your problem. All of your furniture got sent to Giant Venus Fly Trap Land.

     (JAMES stares at him.)

Giant Venus Fly Trap Land.

     (JAMES stares.)

Giant—

                         JAMES

All right. Um. What?

                         ROGER

Okay, first off, there’s a land. Not a giant land, but a land where Giant Venus Fly Traps live.

                         JAMES

Oh?

                         ROGER

A fair portion of Ikea’s merchandise accidentally gets sent there.

                         JAMES

A fair portion?

                         ROGER

Seven percent.

                         JAMES

That’s not that much.

                         ROGER

You have to consider how big a company Ikea is.

                         JAMES

Okay, I’m considering it.

                         ROGER

To be honest, I’m not that surprised this happened.

                         JAMES

Why? Is my address somehow similar to an address in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land?

                         ROGER

Actually, it’s the shipping codes. The Clay Pot and the Varnamo only differ by one number.

                         JAMES

Shipping codes.

                         ROGER

Yes. It’s all a matter of them.

                         JAMES

(Pause) I think this is about when you start trying to solve my problem.

                         ROGER

Okay, we can call the Ikea in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land, and arrange an exchange.

                         JAMES

No way.

                         ROGER

In case you’re concerned, the majority of items returned from Giant Venus Fly Trap Land aren’t covered in sticky, Giant Venus Resin.

                         JAMES

But—

                         ROGER

You’re worried he’s probably put his Giant Venus Fly Books in your gustag?

                         JAMES

Um.

                         ROGER

Well, have you used the Giant Clay Flower Pot?

                         JAMES

Once.

                         ROGER

Look. You’ve broken the seal on the furniture, he’s probably used yours… It’s used furniture, so it’s up to you and the carnivorous plant to make an exchange.

                         JAMES

I’d be doing that in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land?

                         ROGER

Yes.

                         JAMES

Which is where?

                         ROGER

South. Listen, when you go there, be very careful not to give the impression you’re a giant fly. Be very emphatic about your two legs. But also, don’t let them know you’re a human. Or anything that could be considered delicious.

                         JAMES

So don’t wear anything that would make me look delicious?

                         ROGER

Exactly. For example, what you’re wearing right now? Delicious.

                         JAMES

Thank you.

                         ROGER

You’re welcome

                         JAMES

(Pause) So where does this leave me? Keep the clay pot, or surely die?

                         ROGER

Nearly surely.

                         JAMES

I’ll keep the pot.

                         ROGER

Would you like to re-order the bookcase?

                         JAMES

I don’t own any books. I just wanted a bookcase to impress girls.

                         ROGER

Would you like to order anything else that would impress girls?

                         JAMES

No. Thanks for your help.

                         ROGER

Have a go-ut day!

                         JAMES

Yeah, whatever.

          (JAMES leaves. Phone rings.)

                         ROGER

Hello, Ikea customer service desk.

          (Chomping sound.)

I’ve been expecting your call… YOU GIANT VENUS FLY TRAP!

Published inComedy

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