Last updated on March 4, 2019
Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: June, 2003
This is another sketch Jeff and I wrote, and it’s actually been performed on stage a bunch of times, even as recently as a few years ago. I will cop to this: I don’t know that I’ve ever done a particularly good job in the straight man role in this. It may be the way we wrote the lines, but I’ve never felt 100% comfortable performing it. Maybe I should have recast the role, I gue– NEVER!!!
NOTES:
Jeff read everything in this happy, upbeat monotone, with the words turning up at the wrong times. So, you know, do that when you read it.
This starts off with one of my favorite pieces of stage business we’ve ever done, which is: lights come up, and there’s someone mid-way through exiting the stage. They never say anything or face the audience, they just walk out. I think it starts things off on the right, off-kilter element.
Far be it from me to remember how we came up with this idea. Probably talking about Ikea? Or venus fly traps? I don’t know. I will say I used to keep venus fly traps as pets when I was a kid, I’d get a new one every time I went to a science museum. So there’s that.
Here’s the sketch:
GIANT VENUS IKEA TRAP
A honey vinegar by Alexander Zalben and Jeff Solomon
CHARACTERS: Roger, James
ROGER
Thanks for coming to Ikea, have a go-ut day! Hi can, I help you?
JAMES
I sure hope so.
ROGER
So do I.
JAMES
Great. Well listen, I ordered a varnamo loveseat and a gustag bookshelf for my new apartment, and instead I got a gigantic clay flower pot. I don’t even think it has a Swedish name.
ROGER
Everything has a Swedish name. Now then. How gigantic was this gigantic clay pot?
JAMES
Bigger than you. Much bigger.
ROGER
This doesn’t sound good. What’s your address?
(JAMES hands ROGER the receipt.)
JAMES
What is it?
(ROGER types something in.)
ROGER
Okay, here’s your problem. All of your furniture got sent to Giant Venus Fly Trap Land.
(JAMES stares at him.)
Giant Venus Fly Trap Land.
(JAMES stares.)
Giant—
JAMES
All right. Um. What?
ROGER
Okay, first off, there’s a land. Not a giant land, but a land where Giant Venus Fly Traps live.
JAMES
Oh?
ROGER
A fair portion of Ikea’s merchandise accidentally gets sent there.
JAMES
A fair portion?
ROGER
Seven percent.
JAMES
That’s not that much.
ROGER
You have to consider how big a company Ikea is.
JAMES
Okay, I’m considering it.
ROGER
To be honest, I’m not that surprised this happened.
JAMES
Why? Is my address somehow similar to an address in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land?
ROGER
Actually, it’s the shipping codes. The Clay Pot and the Varnamo only differ by one number.
JAMES
Shipping codes.
ROGER
Yes. It’s all a matter of them.
JAMES
(Pause) I think this is about when you start trying to solve my problem.
ROGER
Okay, we can call the Ikea in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land, and arrange an exchange.
JAMES
No way.
ROGER
In case you’re concerned, the majority of items returned from Giant Venus Fly Trap Land aren’t covered in sticky, Giant Venus Resin.
JAMES
But—
ROGER
You’re worried he’s probably put his Giant Venus Fly Books in your gustag?
JAMES
Um.
ROGER
Well, have you used the Giant Clay Flower Pot?
JAMES
Once.
ROGER
Look. You’ve broken the seal on the furniture, he’s probably used yours… It’s used furniture, so it’s up to you and the carnivorous plant to make an exchange.
JAMES
I’d be doing that in Giant Venus Fly Trap Land?
ROGER
Yes.
JAMES
Which is where?
ROGER
South. Listen, when you go there, be very careful not to give the impression you’re a giant fly. Be very emphatic about your two legs. But also, don’t let them know you’re a human. Or anything that could be considered delicious.
JAMES
So don’t wear anything that would make me look delicious?
ROGER
Exactly. For example, what you’re wearing right now? Delicious.
JAMES
Thank you.
ROGER
You’re welcome
JAMES
(Pause) So where does this leave me? Keep the clay pot, or surely die?
ROGER
Nearly surely.
JAMES
I’ll keep the pot.
ROGER
Would you like to re-order the bookcase?
JAMES
I don’t own any books. I just wanted a bookcase to impress girls.
ROGER
Would you like to order anything else that would impress girls?
JAMES
No. Thanks for your help.
ROGER
Have a go-ut day!
JAMES
Yeah, whatever.
(JAMES leaves. Phone rings.)
ROGER
Hello, Ikea customer service desk.
(Chomping sound.)
I’ve been expecting your call… YOU GIANT VENUS FLY TRAP!
Be First to Comment