Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: 2002
Now, this one never got performed, and for good reason… It’s reeeeeally slow to get going. I do think there’s some totally fine jokes throughout here, but in total, it should have gotten to the game faster, and hit it harder when it did.
Also, for some reason, I thought I wrote this with Jeff Solomon, but I guess not? Sorry to bring you into this, Jeff.
Notes:
- This actually got to stage for several shows in a row, before I stopped bringing it in to voting. For those of you who don’t know, that’s the part of the process where we stage a sketch, and then vote on the ones we actually want to perform in front of people. This was not one of those.
- Spoiler: The closest this gets to hitting something interesting is the “Pit of Eternal Awesomeness.” Though I don’t know that’s enough to revisit the sketch.
- It’s kind of jaw-dropping, in retrospect, how close Dorno and Bjorno are to Dobby. I had read the Harry Potter book he appeared in by then, and maybe saw the movie (they came out the same year), but I don’t think I put two-and-two together. The sketch is playing with fantasy archetypes, sure, but still. I am dumb. Though, to be fair/sell them out, no-one in Elephant Larry mentioned that, either. Even though they will say they did. Geoff.
Here’s the sketch:
HOMEWORK MONSTERS
A cotton candy nightmare by Alexander Zalben
CHARACTERS: Dad, Randy, Dorno, Bjorno, Mom
RANDY’S bedroom. RANDY is at his desk, DAD is talking to him.
DAD
Now, son, after you finish your homework, you can go out and have fun with your friends, but not until you’ve finished.
RANDY
But homework takes so long, I don’t have friends anymore.
DAD
Son, that’s not true. You’re a very popular guy.
RANDY
No, I’m not. I’m a very unpopular guy.
DAD
You’re popular, and this discussion is over. Just finish your homework, or else–
RANDY/DAD
The homework monsters will get me/you.
RANDY
Yeah, I know. BYE.
(DAD leaves.)
RANDY (CONT’D)
Homework monsters… He must think I’m like, five, or something… Let’s see, English. The cat is brown and–
(We hear a banging sound offstage.)
RANDY (CONT’D)
Eep! What the heck was that?
(The banging continues, until suddenly,
a small dwarfish man falls out from one
side of the stage.)
DORNO
Hello there, Randy!
RANDY
Who are you? And how do you know my name? Additionally, where did you just come from?
DORNO
So many questions! You’ll confuse poor Dorno! Which answers one of your questions! I am Dorno, pleased be I to meet you! To answer your other questions, I know your name because I live in your closet. Actually, that answers your third question, too!
RANDY
Wait a second… If you live in my closet, how come I’ve never seen you before?
DORNO
Why, I live in the magical kingdom of Flurno… It’s just three knocks and a whistle past the back of your closet wall!
RANDY
Flurno?
DORNO
Yes, Flurno, the magical kingdom where fun and candy live!
RANDY
Wait a second… you’re not a homework monster, are you?
DORNO
Ho, ho, no. The homework monsters used to live in the magical kingdom of Flurno, but we banished them many fun-cycles ago!
RANDY
Really?
DORNO
Would a magical creature who lives in the back of your closet lie to you?
RANDY
I don’t know how to answer that. But why are you here, Dorno? Why show yourself to me now?
DORNO
Why Randy, in our kingdom, you are a… how do you say, god!
RANDY
Really?
DORNO
Oh, yes, Randy. We know all about your exploits against the demon homework, and your nemesis, Dad. We wanted to take you away from all of that, and invite you to join us in Flurno!
RANDY
This sounds a little too good to be true… Maybe you should get back to me later.
(A fairy like creature falls out of the closet.)
BJORNO
Dorno!
DORNO
Bjorno!
(They dance a happy little dance.)
RANDY
Bjorno? I assume you come from the kingdom of Flurno as well?
BJORNO
Yes, and you are the great and powerful Randy! Come with us to the magical kingdom of Flurno… the cotton-candy festival is about to begin in the Valley of Eternal Bliss!
RANDY
I don’t know… I should probably ask my Dad permission before I go anywhere.
DORNO
Wouldn’t want to see the Carnival of Lost Souls Who are Having a Great Time?
BJORNO
Or the Pit of Eternal Awesomeness?
RANDY
Well, it does sound nice. You sure you guys aren’t Homework Monsters?
BJORNO
Ho, ho, no. Do we look like Homework Monsters?
RANDY
I don’t know what Homework Monsters look like.
BJORNO
(Snapping) Well, they don’t look like us.
DORNO
He probably won’t come, Bjorno. Come, let us go frolic in the Fields of Honey Butter Lollipops.
BJORNO
I’d rather pluck Neverberries in Pineapple Pizza Party Park.
DORNO
Why not do both?
BJORNO
True! Let’s go!
RANDY
Wait! You guys… take me with you. Homework can wait.
DORNO AND BJORNO
Hurrah!
(THEY dance around RANDY.)
DORNO
No remember, to get to the magical land of Flurno, you just have to knock three times…
BJORNO
And whistle!
(Randy does. A light shines from off-stage.)
RANDY
Wow! Let’s go!
(THEY run offstage.)
RANDY (O.S.)
Hey, we’re here… Wait, this place is all rocky and horrible. Where’s the fields of lollipops? And the pit of Eternal Awesomeness?
DORNO
They aren’t here Randy…
BJORNO
You really should have listened to your father, Randy…
RANDY
No! I swear, I’ll do my homework!
(Horrible crunching noises are heard.
An arm flies onstage. They stop. DAD enters.)
DAD
Randy? Rando? You doing your homework? (Dad picks up arm) Randy? You should have listened to me about the homework monsters. (pause) Well, better get started on making a smarter son. Honey, Randy’s dead, let’s get ready to make love!
MOM (O.S.)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
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