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Sketch Time Machine: Kent’s Friends Are All Crazy

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2002

I actually still like this sketch quite a bit, though it never made it into a show. It does need a polish, and in general, the jokes could probably be punchier; but I think the structure is pretty solid, and the game is good, too. So what held it back? Basically, this is as inside baseball as you can get: it’s a sketch written for other sketch comedians.

The idea (which you’ll see when you read the sketch) is based off of a typical recurring premise in sketch comedy. Those sorts of sketches aren’t off limits, they’re just not preferable for two reasons:

1) You shouldn’t count on the majority of your audience being sketch comedians.

2) Don’t give away trade secrets.

The second was what came up the most when discussing this one, that if we did it on stage, it would point out to the audience a formula of sketch that we do time and time again. And if we did that, it would not only make them wise to what we were doing in the future, it would make them foolish for being taken in by it the past. So we never did it, and that’s probably a good thing.

Some sketches are just too good to be shared, am I right? Not this one, but you know, in general.

NOTES:

  • This sketch went through a TON of revisions and re-writes. So many, in fact, that I’m not 100% sure this was the final version. If I remember correctly, at one point, it was even a trilogy.
  • Just so you know I’m not posting everything I’ve ever written, I actually skipped past several sketches in my files before I got to this one. Those weren’t worth even putting up, because they were too half-formed, and poorly written. In case you’re wondering what the ideas were, though, they were: a peach tries to find his family on the NYC subway, but everyone ignores him; two aliens complain about all the stupid satellites dumber aliens send into space; and Jeff Solomon gets blamed for 9/11. Yay.

Here’s the sketch:

KENT’S FRIENDS ARE ALL CRAZY 

A meta baron by Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: Trent, Kent, Joe, Pepe, Waiter

TRENT and KENT are sitting at a restaurant table, chatting. There is a third chair, unoccupied.

                         TRENT

And so I said, who cares if it’s broken?

          (TRENT and KENT laugh.)

                         KENT

That’s a great story.

                         TRENT

Thanks. So, when’s your friend getting here?

                         KENT

Oh, right, Joe. Probably any second.

                         TRENT

Great, can’t wait to meet him.

                         KENT

Listen, actually, there’s probably something you should know about him before he gets here.

                         TRENT

Wait a second, does he excessively smoke?

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He doesn’t worship some sort of pagan god, does he?

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He has tourettes syndrome?

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

Speaks in tounges?

                         KENT

Nope.

                         TRENT

He’s allergic to the word lunch?

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He thinks he’s a nuclear reactor, or has crazy ideas about global warming, or maybe has the red button that releases nuclear missiles towards Russia in his hat?

                         KENT

No, no, and he doesn’t wear hats.

                         TRENT

He’s from outer space.

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He has a gigantic head and a tiny body.

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

His body is entirely made out of dragons.

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He likes eating badgers. Rhinoceroses. Toads.

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He thinks he lives in a fairy tale. A movie. A sitcom.

                         KENT

No.

                         TRENT

He’s a pirate. A robot. A zombie. A vampire. A cowboy. A werewolf. A nun.

                         KENT

No!

                         TRENT

He’s a cat, a rat, a bat, a gnat, a hat, he’s fat, a place mat, he’s flat, treats everything like combat, he likes to chat, has a developed palate–

                         KENT

Shut up! All I was going to say is that it’s his birthday.

                         TRENT

Oh. It’s just usually your friends are a bit–

                         KENT

I know.

                         TRENT

Your sure all you wanted to say was that it’s his–

                         KENT

Yes.

                         TRENT

And he’s not–

                         KENT

No. Argh.

          (JOE enters.)

                         JOE

Hey fellas! You must be Trent.

                         TRENT

Hi. Joe, right?

                         JOE

Nice to meet you.

          (WAITER enters with menus.)

                         WAITER

Hi there, here are your menus.

                         KENT

Thanks.

                         TRENT

Thanks.

          (A tiny little man pops out of JOE’s coat.)

                         PEPE

Don’t worry, I’ll get that for you, boss.

                         JOE

Thanks, Pepe.

                         TRENT

(To Kent) I’m going to fucking kill you.

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