Sketch Time Machine: Matisse vs. Picasso

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2003

There’s a few major things wrong with this sketch, so I normally wouldn’t post it (I’ve really been skipping some awful ones, if you can believe it) – except it inspired the writing of tomorrow’s sketch, which I really like.

Anyway, the major thing that’s wrong is that there should be non-stop references to Matisse and Picasso in here, and there aren’t. Other things wrong in the notes, but point being, the idea is fine, though basic, while the execution is extremely flawed.

NOTES:

• I’ve mentioned before about taking clean things and making them dirty, or vice versa. This is a pretty clear example of that. The vice, not the versa.
• Once again, the last line isn’t that bad, but it’s not nearly enough to save the sketch.
• Seriously, if you ever write a sketch like this: every single line has a new joke about both artists, and violence. Not every other line. Not some of the lines. Every line has both. I could go back in time and punch myself for this.

Here’s the sketch:

MATISSO VS. PICASSE 

A color sample by Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: Announcer, Picasso, Matisse

                         ANNOUNCER

Now showing at the Museum of Modern Art in Queens, it’s MATISSE VERSUS PICASSO! That’s right, these two artistic heavyweights go head to head in a battle to prove once and for all who is the ART CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!

          (MATISSE and PICASSO are on opposite sides

of the stage.)

                         PICASSO

Stop pussy-footing around, Matisse, let’s bring it on!

                         MATISSE

Oh, Matisse! I am going to take you down! I’ll see you at the MOMA this Sunday. I’ll be in the sculpture garden.

          (THEY fight.)

                         ANNNOUNCER

It’s the master of color versus the master of shapes… and there will be no survivors!

                         PICASSO

Matisse, this has been coming for a long time. I am all ready to go cubist on your ass!

                         MATISSE

Oh really, Picasso? Are you sure you won’t be too busy painting hookers?

                         PICASSO

Oh, that does it!

          (They fight.)

                         ANNOUNCER

This Sunday, only at the world’s foremost fighting arena. It’s gonna be a MOMA MoMassacre!