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Sketch Time Machine: One Sunday Morning

Last updated on March 4, 2019

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2003

Ah, this is just goofy. Like most of these sketches, it got close to being on stage, but when you get down to it, it’s just not funny enough. Though it does get pretty self reflexive and purposefully confusing, which is nice. I guess.

Here’s the sketch:

ONE SUNDAY MORNING 

A secret reveal by Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: Randall, X, Y, MARKUS, LEONARD

X is sitting on stage. He is a robot.  Randall enters.

                         RANDALL

Here you go.

          (Randall hands him a mug.)

                         X

Thank you, human. (Tries, spits.) Ugh! This motor oil tastes like coffee!

                         RANDALL

Oh no, I must have given you my coffee by mistake. Here, try this.

                         X

Okay.

          (Randall switches the cups. Both sip.)

                         RANDALL

Nope, that’s definitely motor oil, and THAT’S definitely coffee.

                         X

Bzzz. Bzzz. Circuits melting. Bzz. Bzz. Newwwwwww.

          (X shuts down. Two men tentatively enter.)

                         MARKUS

Is he–

                         RANDALL

Yes. The coffee melted his circuits, just like we planned!

                         LEONARD

Hooray! We are finally free from the oppression of our robot masters!

                         RANDALL

Quickly, we must–

          (Y enters.)

                         Y

Return to your slave kennels, humans!

                         MARKUS

Never!

                         Y

I will give you one last chance to surrender.

          (Y shoots them with his laser gun.

          He reactivates X.)

                         X

I was just having the strangest computation.

                         Y

You were almost deactivated X-2469.

                         X

Thank you for saving me. The humans?

                         Y

Deleted.

                         X

Excellent. Motor Oil?

                         Y

Thank you.

          (Y drinks.)

                         Y

Bzz. Bzz. What is wrong. My circuits– are— Newwwwwww.

          (Y is deactivated. X looks around,

          pulls off his robot head revealing

him to be human.)

                         X

Randall! Everybody! Wake up! It worked. I gave him the coffee, just as we planned.

                         RANDALL

Oh, thank god. Is he–

                         X

Deactivated.

                         LEONARD

Good thing we wore these laser proof vests.

                         MARKUS

Good thing we never stopped believing in each other.

                         RANDALL

Come on, everybody, let’s get out of here before–

                         X

Before what, human?

          (X pulls a laser gun on the humans.)

                         LEONARD

Oh my god! I thought you weren’t a robot.

                         X

I’m not. I’m a space alien!

                         MARKUS

Oh, see, now that’s just unbelievable.

(X takes off his robot chest piece

to reveal a shirt that says, “I Am

a Space Alien.”)

HUMANS

Ah!!!

                         X

Ha, ha, ha! Now that you have given me the key to defeating the robots, which is your pitiful earth drink, coffee, me and my fellow space aliens will take over the world!

                         Y

Not if I have anything to say about it.

                         X

I thought I deactivated you.

                         Y

You can’t deactivate what can’t be deactivated!

          (Y rips off his robot head,

revealing him to be human!)

                         X

You’re a human!

                         LEONARD

Yay?

                         Y

That’s right. And I’m an angry human. An angry human with a laser gun!

          (He shoots him.)

                         X

Ha, ha, ha! My species is impervious to your species robot masters laser guns!

                         Y

Well, I bet you’re not impervious to my fists!

          (They fight.)

                         LEONARD

Seriously, I have no idea who to root for in this fight.

                         MARKUS

I’m rooting for the space alien.

                         RANDALL

But he wants to kill us all!

                         MARKUS

Yeah, but I have a long-standing hatred of robots.

          (Y wins fight.)

                         Y

Ha, ha ha! Foolish alien! Your race will never rule the universe… Not while my race survives!

(Y rips off his robot chest revealing

a shirt that says, “Entirely

Different Type of Space Alien.”)

                         MARKUS

Oh, come on.

                         Y

Thank you, foolish humans, for not only teaching me how to destroy your robot masters, but also inadvertently warning me that our Galactic arch rivals are planning their own invasion of the planet. With this information, meaning the information that coffee destroys robots, as well as the information about the entirely different alien invasion, I will surely become ruler of the Galaxy!

          (RANDALL shoots him with a laser gun.)

                         Y

Argh! How did you know that my species, unlike that other aliens, is pervious to laser beams!

                         RANDALL

(Like a total hero) Lucky guess.

          (Y dies.)

                         RANDALL

I can’t even believe this. My best friend, who was posing as a robot to help free humanity, was actually a space alien who wanted to enslave humanity. Not to mention the other guy, who was doing the exact same thing. I don’t even know who to trust anymore.

                         MARKUS

Yeah…

                         LEONARD

I know. Well, we better get going.

                         RANDALL

Wait, before we do, is anybody else here a robot or space alien?

          (They all look at each other.)

                         MARKUS

(Raising hand.) I’m a space alien.

                         LEONARD

I’m a robot.

                         RANDALL

Yeah, me too.

                         MARKUS

You’re a space alien?

                         LEONARD

Or a robot?

                         RANDALL

Cyborg super species!

          (RANDALL destroys all life on earth.)

Published inComedy

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