Last updated on March 4, 2019
Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: 2003
Ah, this is just goofy. Like most of these sketches, it got close to being on stage, but when you get down to it, it’s just not funny enough. Though it does get pretty self reflexive and purposefully confusing, which is nice. I guess.
Here’s the sketch:
ONE SUNDAY MORNING
A secret reveal by Alexander Zalben
CHARACTERS: Randall, X, Y, MARKUS, LEONARD
X is sitting on stage. He is a robot. Randall enters.
RANDALL
Here you go.
(Randall hands him a mug.)
X
Thank you, human. (Tries, spits.) Ugh! This motor oil tastes like coffee!
RANDALL
Oh no, I must have given you my coffee by mistake. Here, try this.
X
Okay.
(Randall switches the cups. Both sip.)
RANDALL
Nope, that’s definitely motor oil, and THAT’S definitely coffee.
X
Bzzz. Bzzz. Circuits melting. Bzz. Bzz. Newwwwwww.
(X shuts down. Two men tentatively enter.)
MARKUS
Is he–
RANDALL
Yes. The coffee melted his circuits, just like we planned!
LEONARD
Hooray! We are finally free from the oppression of our robot masters!
RANDALL
Quickly, we must–
(Y enters.)
Y
Return to your slave kennels, humans!
MARKUS
Never!
Y
I will give you one last chance to surrender.
(Y shoots them with his laser gun.
He reactivates X.)
X
I was just having the strangest computation.
Y
You were almost deactivated X-2469.
X
Thank you for saving me. The humans?
Y
Deleted.
X
Excellent. Motor Oil?
Y
Thank you.
(Y drinks.)
Y
Bzz. Bzz. What is wrong. My circuits– are— Newwwwwww.
(Y is deactivated. X looks around,
pulls off his robot head revealing
him to be human.)
X
Randall! Everybody! Wake up! It worked. I gave him the coffee, just as we planned.
RANDALL
Oh, thank god. Is he–
X
Deactivated.
LEONARD
Good thing we wore these laser proof vests.
MARKUS
Good thing we never stopped believing in each other.
RANDALL
Come on, everybody, let’s get out of here before–
X
Before what, human?
(X pulls a laser gun on the humans.)
LEONARD
Oh my god! I thought you weren’t a robot.
X
I’m not. I’m a space alien!
MARKUS
Oh, see, now that’s just unbelievable.
(X takes off his robot chest piece
to reveal a shirt that says, “I Am
a Space Alien.”)
HUMANS
Ah!!!
X
Ha, ha, ha! Now that you have given me the key to defeating the robots, which is your pitiful earth drink, coffee, me and my fellow space aliens will take over the world!
Y
Not if I have anything to say about it.
X
I thought I deactivated you.
Y
You can’t deactivate what can’t be deactivated!
(Y rips off his robot head,
revealing him to be human!)
X
You’re a human!
LEONARD
Yay?
Y
That’s right. And I’m an angry human. An angry human with a laser gun!
(He shoots him.)
X
Ha, ha, ha! My species is impervious to your species robot masters laser guns!
Y
Well, I bet you’re not impervious to my fists!
(They fight.)
LEONARD
Seriously, I have no idea who to root for in this fight.
MARKUS
I’m rooting for the space alien.
RANDALL
But he wants to kill us all!
MARKUS
Yeah, but I have a long-standing hatred of robots.
(Y wins fight.)
Y
Ha, ha ha! Foolish alien! Your race will never rule the universe… Not while my race survives!
(Y rips off his robot chest revealing
a shirt that says, “Entirely
Different Type of Space Alien.”)
MARKUS
Oh, come on.
Y
Thank you, foolish humans, for not only teaching me how to destroy your robot masters, but also inadvertently warning me that our Galactic arch rivals are planning their own invasion of the planet. With this information, meaning the information that coffee destroys robots, as well as the information about the entirely different alien invasion, I will surely become ruler of the Galaxy!
(RANDALL shoots him with a laser gun.)
Y
Argh! How did you know that my species, unlike that other aliens, is pervious to laser beams!
RANDALL
(Like a total hero) Lucky guess.
(Y dies.)
RANDALL
I can’t even believe this. My best friend, who was posing as a robot to help free humanity, was actually a space alien who wanted to enslave humanity. Not to mention the other guy, who was doing the exact same thing. I don’t even know who to trust anymore.
MARKUS
Yeah…
LEONARD
I know. Well, we better get going.
RANDALL
Wait, before we do, is anybody else here a robot or space alien?
(They all look at each other.)
MARKUS
(Raising hand.) I’m a space alien.
LEONARD
I’m a robot.
RANDALL
Yeah, me too.
MARKUS
You’re a space alien?
LEONARD
Or a robot?
RANDALL
Cyborg super species!
(RANDALL destroys all life on earth.)
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