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Sketch Time Machine: Prince Harming

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2002

The only line I like in this sketch is, “Dirtbags of Crystalberry!” Like “Obvious Mysteries,” it’s cute, but not particularly funny. Or at least, not laugh out loud funny. Note: never put anything that doesn’t make people laugh out loud on stage. Ever.

Unless you’re performing a drama.

Notes:

  • The joke about the Princess talking about the long line, in the middle, in case it isn’t clear, is because we had five guys in the group, and had to cover for costume changes. So there would be one person on line.
  • Boy, those names are stupid. Another thing: “funny” names in sketches aren’t actually funny.
  • I think someone actually did a Prince Harming thing at some point after this, maybe?

Anyway, here’s the sketch:

PRINCE HARMING 

A violent stabbing by Jeff Solomon and Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: NARRATOR, PRINCE HARMING, JESTER, MINSTREL, SAGE, LADY FRUITABIX, LADY CHEX, LADY SLICEYOUINHALF, SON 1 & 2

NARRATOR is standing to one side of the stage.

                         NARRATOR

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Crystalberry, there lived a prince who had everything.

          (PRINCE enters, stalking around stage.)

                         PRINCE

Sure, I have gold, and silver, and bronze… and this stupid puppy. But I hate them all!

                         NARRATOR

Oh, one more thing… The Prince’s name was… Prince Harming!

          (PRINCE tears the puppy in half.)

                         NARRATOR (CONT’D)

The one thing Prince Harming didn’t have, though, was someone to share his life.

                         PRINCE

Oh, won’t someone share my life?

          (Enter Royal Court: JESTER, MINSTREL, SAGE)

                         JESTER

You don’t need someone to share your life when you have laughter!

          (PRINCE punches him.)

                         MINSTREL

You’re never lonely with a song in your heart.

     OH, the prince, he’s a harming, harming prince…

          (PRINCE punches him. PRINCE goes to

           punch the SAGE in the stomach, but

           is stopped.)

                         SAGE

Wait! You know, Prince Harming, it’s fun to be punched in the stomach and all, but haven’t you ever thought that you wouldn’t be lonely if you had a wife?

                         PRINCE

Sometimes.

                         SAGE

Well, I know it’s hard to date when you are a violent prince, but I have an idea as to how you could find a wife.

                         PRINCE

Talk faster, my fist is getting itchy.

                         SAGE

Well, I was thinking that maybe you could have a contest to determine who your wife should be.

          (SAGE flinches, PRINCE releases his fist.)

                         PRINCE

Hmm, Sage, you might be on to something.

                         SAGE

You think so?

                         PRINCE

Yes, that’s a very good idea.

                         SAGE

Really? That’s great, because I thought you were going to not listen to me, and punch me in the stomach.

                         PRINCE

No, no, it’s very smart.

                         SAGE

Really?

                         PRINCE

Yes, really, I’ll even write it down and give you all the credit.

                         SAGE

Really?

                         PRINCE

Sure, what’s your name?

                         SAGE

Oh, it’s–

          (PRINCE punches him in the stomach.)

                         PRINCE

Owwwww??? I thought it was Johnny Punchedinthestomach! Now get out of my sight!

                         NARRATOR

But the Prince thought about what Johnny Punchedinthestomach had said, and later on that day, an announcement rang out to all the kingdom.

                         PRINCE

Dirtbags of Crystalberry! I, your prince, have an announcement for you, so listen up. In three days time, there will be a contest to determine who will be my wife, the Princess of Crystalberry. I will consent to marry the fairest lady in the land who can defeat me in combat!

                         NARRATOR

And so, three days later, there was a line around the moat.

          (LADY FRUITABIX is talking to someone offstage.)

                         LADY FRUITABIX

Boy, this is the longest line I’ve ever seen. Look how far it stretches behind me. (To another “person.”) Yes, indeed.

                         PRINCE

May the first lady approach me.

                         LADY FRUITABIX

Hello, Prince Harming, I am very glad to–

                         PRINCE

Less talk, more fight! Ha ha!

          (PRINCE throws her a sword, and grabs one himself.)

                         LADY FRUITABIX

But I thought by combat, you meant intellectual discourse.

                         PRINCE

No, by combat, I meant COMBAT!

          (They fight a little, then he runs her thru.)

                         PRINCE (CONT’D)

NEXT!

          (Enter LADY CHEX.)

                         LADY CHEX

Good day, Prince Har–

          (PRINCE runs her thru.)

                         PRINCE

Next!

                         NARRATOR

And so, the battle continued all through the day, and long through the night. And as the sun rose, the Prince had killed every available fair lady in the kingdom, except for one…

                         PRINCE

Argh! Is there no lady woman enough to defeat me in combat? Seriously people! Come on!

          (Enter LADY SLICEYOUINHALF.)

                         PRINCE (CONT’D)

Oh, great, another one… Why don’t you just let me run you through now so I…

          (LADY SLICEYOUINHALF attacks HIM with HER

          sword. They fight, a huge swordfight ensues.)

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

Ha! Why don’t you fight like a man!

                         PRINCE

Why don’t you fight like a woman!

          (THEY keep fighting.)

                         PRINCE (CONT’D)

What is your name? I have to know!

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

It’s Lady Sliceyouinhalf!

                         PRINCE

That’s funny, I have a sage named Johnny–

          (THEY keep fighting.)

                         PRINCE (CONT’D)

Listen, you must marry me!

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

I’d rather die!

                         PRINCE

Why did you come to my contest then?

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

I had nothing better to do!

                         PRINCE

Horse cabbage! You love me!

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

I– I–

          (THEY loose their swords. THEY fight

hand to hand, pause, look at each other,

and kiss. Then THEY keep fighting.)

                         NARRATOR

And so, Prince Harming, and his Lady, Sliceyouinhalf, fought all day, and late into the night. And when the sun rose the next morning, they were married, and had two beautiful children.

          (PRINCE HARMING and LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

          are sitting on thrones, pushing each other.

          The children run in, wave, and THEY all fight.)

                         NARRATOR

And so, they all lived happily ever after. Well, violently ever after. Well, not ever after, either, because they all killed each other two weeks later. Which you have all heard about as the famous Crystalberry massacre.

                         LADY SLICEYOUINHALF

Hey, that guys talking about the future!

                         PRINCE HARMING

Let’s get him! Bobby, rip out his throat so he can’t talk.

                         NARRATOR

Oh god! The end! The end!

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