Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: May, 2004
In general, I don’t think the tone of this is terrible – it’s just not a very funny sketch. Part of the problem – or a large part of the problem, actually – is the storytelling format. Because stories are designed to be a little sing-songy, and pleasant to hear, they don’t lend themselves very well to comedy. The main thing most people do is, they take the story format, and do something dirty with it: make it violent, or sexual, or inject cursing into the sketch.
That’s one way to go, I guess, and I certainly fell into that trap at the end of this sketch, but I do think there’s a better way to do this, and that’s just make a story that’s funny on it’s own, and then sketchify it. You’ll still have those elements of story theater, but without relying on the crutch of dirtying it up. I’d also suggest, in general, you probably want to throw something like this in the middle of the show, to vary things up. People are more likely to remember a sweet story when it’s buffeted by lots of things contrasting in tone, rather than kicking off the show on a low energy point, or worse, ending on one.
NOTES:
- Man, the ending of this is bad. If I ever approached this sketch again, I would cut it off after the VO finds out what’s wrong. I think now, I’d be less afraid of having an actual, sweet ending, and have the VO and Camel be friends. I think.
- My favorite comment I wrote down from the group on this one is: “Don’t make it a camel?”
Here’s the sketch:
The Story of the Weeping Camel
A Drama Dairy by Alexander Zalben
Characters: Camel, Man, Woman, Baker, V.O.
A Camel is on stage, crying. Man in Black enters.
Man
Camel, why are you weeping so?
(Camel keeps crying.)
Man (Cont’d)
Please, Camel, illuminate this issue. What makes you cry so?
(Camel keeps crying.)
Man (Cont’d)
Camel, please. Your torrent of emotion is too much. Tell me of what has made you cry.
(Camel starts wailing uncontrollably.
Man throws up his hands in frustration.
Woman enters, wearing hair curlers.)
Woman
Husband, what is all this racket?
Man
It is camel.
Woman
Camel?
Man
Camel.
Woman
But why is Camel weeping so?
Man
That is the thing I am in the process of discovering!
Woman
Well, it’s a terrible racket.
Man
I know.
Woman
Have you tried calming him with a soothing pet of the fur?
Man
I knew there was a reason I married you.
(Camel is weeping softly now.
Woman approaches Camel, tries to pet
It, but it snaps at her hand. Camel
Keeps weeping.)
Man
I am at my wits end!
Woman
That was a close call.
(Baker enters, wearing night shirt and
carrying a rolling pin.)
Baker
Who is up at this hour, making such a noise. Why I will pummel him or her into an inch of his or her life!
Man
Whoa. Whoa there, Baker. It is not a him or her. It is Camel.
Baker
You mean to tell me that Camel was not assigned a sex at birth.
(Man and Woman exchange a look.)
Woman
You know, we never thought to check.
Baker
But why is Camel weeping so?
Man & Woman
(Frustrated) That is what we would like to know!
Baker
Have you tried asking Camel?
Man
Yes.
Baker
Or comforting Camel with a stroke of the neck or hindquarters?
Woman
With very bad results.
Baker
Perhaps Camel is hungry?
Man
But our cupboard is bare!
Baker
I am a baker!
Woman
Of course!
(Baker approaches Camel, holding out
a cookie. The Camel stops weeping a
little bit, sniffs the cookie. He
eats the cookie, munching it thoughtfully.
The Man and the Woman clasp hands overjoyed
At the thought that the Baker may have
Solved their problem. There is a pause,
And the Camel starts weeping again.)
Man
It is worse that before!
Baker
Perhaps I should give up baking.
Woman
No, no.
Man
This is the most terrible thing.
Baker
I will give up and go back to sleep.
Woman
How? With this noise?
Baker
Ear plugs.
Man
I wish we had earplugs.
Woman
I shall fashion ear plugs from small pieces of our bedspread!
Man
Of course! To the bed, wife!
Baker
Good night you stupid camel!
(They all leave. After a few moments, Camel
stops crying.)
V.O.
Hey, Camel?
Camel
Yes?
V.O.
You done crying?
Camel
I think so.
V.O.
You know, it would probably give the proceedings some closure if you explained why you were crying so much.
Camel
True. It was because crying is the only way I know to get people to pay attention to me.
V.O.
Oh… I do that sometimes.
Camel
You do?
V.O.
Sure. (Pause) Hey Camel?
Camel
Yes?
V.O.
You still got some of that cookie?
Camel
Sure.
(Camel looks around.)
V.O.
Just throw it in the air, and I’ll catch it in my mouth.
(Camel throws the cookie in the air,
and it crashes to the ground.)
V.O. (Cont’d)
HAHAHAHAHA! Stupid Camel! I’m incorporeal! HAHHAHAHAHAH!
(Camel starts crying again, while
the voiceover keeps laughing. Man
comes out and shoots camel, then
exits.)
V.O.
My only friend is dead. And it’s all my fault.
(Sound of gun cocking, then a shot,
then of a body falling to the ground.
Lights slowly fade.)
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