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Sketch Time Machine: The Trouble With Tickets

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: 2002

This, along with “Deal of the Century,” and a few other sketches, was an integral part of Elephant Larry’s outdoor set. It’s also probably the sketch I’m most embarrassed about, mainly because the first four lines are awful, and we bring them up in meetings all the time as an example of awful lines you can write in a sketch.

Notes:

  • “You wanna go?” is not a good catchphrase.
  • “Manager enters,” again. Nice one, Past-Alex.
  • This is another very straightforward, first year sketch. In this case, crazy man/straight man, and that’s pretty much it. The crazy men are crazy in a specific way, drive the straight man nuts, the end. However, I hung it on sports, and I know nothing about sports. BIG MISTAKE.
  • Destroying the game in the last two lines. Nice one, Past-Alex.

…And, here’s the sketch:

THE TROUBLE WITH TICKETS 

An all-access pass by Alexander Zalben

CHARACTERS: Gabe, Terry, Ticket Guy, Manager

                    TERRY and GABE are at the front of a line.

                    GABE

Dude! We’re totally gonna see the Yankees, man!

                    TERRY

(sing song) Yankees! Baseball!

                    GABE

Aw man, this game is gonna rock!

                    TERRY

And roll!

          (They high-five.)

                    TICKET GUY

Tickets, please.

    

                    GABE

Dude, give him the tickets.

                    TERRY

Here you are, two box seats for the best team in the history of the world!

                    TICKET GUY

I’m sorry, these tickets are invalid.

                    GABE

Whaddaya mean?

                    TICKET GUY

Sir, these tickets aren’t even for today’s game. Also, they’ve already been ripped.

                    GABE

Terry, where’d you get these?

                    TERRY

I told you, I found them lying on the ground.

                    GABE

Totally valid, dude. (To TICKET GUY) You got beef with us?

                    TICKET GUY

No, sir. I just can’t accept ticket stubs. Also, they’re for The Lion King.

                    TERRY

What’s your problem dude?

                    GABE

You wanna go?

                    TICKET GUY

No, I don’t wanna go.

                    GABE

Then let us in, man.

                    TERRY

We just wanna see the Amazins’.

                    TICKET GUY

The Amazins’ are the Mets, no the Yankees.

          (Gabe and Terry convene. Gabe pulls

           out a pad and starts writing.)

                    TERRY

Look, I’ll level with you. Gabe here has a rare liver condition. He needs to see a Yankees game once a week, or he’ll die.

                    TICKET GUY

That’s not even remotely true.

                    GABE

No, really, here’s the doctors orders.

                    TICKET GUY

You just wrote those. In front of me. I watched you.

                    GABE

You got a problem with doctors?

                    TERRY

You wanna go?

                    GABE

Whoa, chill Terry. (To TICKET GUY) His whole family is doctors. His uncle wrote me this note.

                    TICKET GUY

No! He didn’t! You just wrote it in front of me! You were standing over there.

                    TERRY

Listen, man, it’s been very entertaining talking to you, but are you going to let us in or not?

                    TICKET GUY

No, I’m not going to let you in! You have a torn Lion King ticket stub that’s three months old! You can’t get into this game!

          (MANAGER enters.)

                    MANAGER

Is there a problem here?

                    TERRY

Yeah, this guy won’t let us in to see the Yankees, and my friend here will die of liver failure if we don’t see them.

                    MANAGER

Do you have a doctor’s note?

                    GABE

Right here, dude.

          (MANAGER looks at the note, then

at TERRY and GABE, then back at note.)

                    MANAGER

(To TERRY) Are you Terry?

                    TERRY

Yup.

                    MANAGER

Can I see some ID?

          (TERRY hands HIM ID.)

                    MANAGER (CONT’D)

Okay, this checks out. You can go ahead.

                    TICKET GUY

What do you mean, they can go in? You just confirmed that the name they wrote on that piece of paper, which, might I emphasize, they wrote there, is the same as the name on his ID. You can’t just let them in!

                    MANAGER

You wanna go?

                    TICKET GUY

Yes! YES! I wanna… go!

          (MANAGER punches HIM out.)

                    MANAGER

Okay, you boys can go in now.

                    GABE

Thanks, dude. Listen, take these as thanks.

          (GABE hands him the ticket stubs, which he

          takes from the TICKET GUY’S hand.)

                    MANAGER

Wow, Lion King tickets! How’d you get these?

                    TERRY

We play Timon and Pumbaa!

                    MANAGER

Well, Hakuna Matata! 

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