Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: 2002
This, along with “Deal of the Century,” and a few other sketches, was an integral part of Elephant Larry’s outdoor set. It’s also probably the sketch I’m most embarrassed about, mainly because the first four lines are awful, and we bring them up in meetings all the time as an example of awful lines you can write in a sketch.
Notes:
- “You wanna go?” is not a good catchphrase.
- “Manager enters,” again. Nice one, Past-Alex.
- This is another very straightforward, first year sketch. In this case, crazy man/straight man, and that’s pretty much it. The crazy men are crazy in a specific way, drive the straight man nuts, the end. However, I hung it on sports, and I know nothing about sports. BIG MISTAKE.
- Destroying the game in the last two lines. Nice one, Past-Alex.
…And, here’s the sketch:
THE TROUBLE WITH TICKETS
An all-access pass by Alexander Zalben
CHARACTERS: Gabe, Terry, Ticket Guy, Manager
TERRY and GABE are at the front of a line.
GABE
Dude! We’re totally gonna see the Yankees, man!
TERRY
(sing song) Yankees! Baseball!
GABE
Aw man, this game is gonna rock!
TERRY
And roll!
(They high-five.)
TICKET GUY
Tickets, please.
GABE
Dude, give him the tickets.
TERRY
Here you are, two box seats for the best team in the history of the world!
TICKET GUY
I’m sorry, these tickets are invalid.
GABE
Whaddaya mean?
TICKET GUY
Sir, these tickets aren’t even for today’s game. Also, they’ve already been ripped.
GABE
Terry, where’d you get these?
TERRY
I told you, I found them lying on the ground.
GABE
Totally valid, dude. (To TICKET GUY) You got beef with us?
TICKET GUY
No, sir. I just can’t accept ticket stubs. Also, they’re for The Lion King.
TERRY
What’s your problem dude?
GABE
You wanna go?
TICKET GUY
No, I don’t wanna go.
GABE
Then let us in, man.
TERRY
We just wanna see the Amazins’.
TICKET GUY
The Amazins’ are the Mets, no the Yankees.
(Gabe and Terry convene. Gabe pulls
out a pad and starts writing.)
TERRY
Look, I’ll level with you. Gabe here has a rare liver condition. He needs to see a Yankees game once a week, or he’ll die.
TICKET GUY
That’s not even remotely true.
GABE
No, really, here’s the doctors orders.
TICKET GUY
You just wrote those. In front of me. I watched you.
GABE
You got a problem with doctors?
TERRY
You wanna go?
GABE
Whoa, chill Terry. (To TICKET GUY) His whole family is doctors. His uncle wrote me this note.
TICKET GUY
No! He didn’t! You just wrote it in front of me! You were standing over there.
TERRY
Listen, man, it’s been very entertaining talking to you, but are you going to let us in or not?
TICKET GUY
No, I’m not going to let you in! You have a torn Lion King ticket stub that’s three months old! You can’t get into this game!
(MANAGER enters.)
MANAGER
Is there a problem here?
TERRY
Yeah, this guy won’t let us in to see the Yankees, and my friend here will die of liver failure if we don’t see them.
MANAGER
Do you have a doctor’s note?
GABE
Right here, dude.
(MANAGER looks at the note, then
at TERRY and GABE, then back at note.)
MANAGER
(To TERRY) Are you Terry?
TERRY
Yup.
MANAGER
Can I see some ID?
(TERRY hands HIM ID.)
MANAGER (CONT’D)
Okay, this checks out. You can go ahead.
TICKET GUY
What do you mean, they can go in? You just confirmed that the name they wrote on that piece of paper, which, might I emphasize, they wrote there, is the same as the name on his ID. You can’t just let them in!
MANAGER
You wanna go?
TICKET GUY
Yes! YES! I wanna… go!
(MANAGER punches HIM out.)
MANAGER
Okay, you boys can go in now.
GABE
Thanks, dude. Listen, take these as thanks.
(GABE hands him the ticket stubs, which he
takes from the TICKET GUY’S hand.)
MANAGER
Wow, Lion King tickets! How’d you get these?
TERRY
We play Timon and Pumbaa!
MANAGER
Well, Hakuna Matata!
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