Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: June, 2003
As opposed to 90% of these sketches, I actually kind of like this one. There are problems, not least of which is the build of the trilogy, but I think it could work, conceivably. Maybe. The big reason this never got done was because of the build, in fact.
Over the course of a trilogy, you want the energy – and the hilarity – to go up. But this clearly peeks in part two, and though I really, really like Part 3, it’s a large step down from the energy of the second part. I guess I could revisit this and play around with it more… But I probably won’t.
- More specifically, you don’t get much bigger than breaking a baby in half.
- If I remember correctly, the original version of Part 3 just had Jor-El saying, “Wait, let me grab a condom,” and then the music cut out, and that was it – but we decided that approach was too subtle. So I added the end lines, which meant I had to add end lines for all three, which meant that…
- …I’m eh on the endings of all three of these, I think – that would be another area to focus on.
- As a general rule, I have far too many sketch ideas about Superman.
Here’s the sketch(es):
THREE VARIATIONS ON THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN
A red sun by Alexander Zalben
CHARACTERS: MA KENT, PA KENT, JOR-EL, MOTHER, ALIEN 2, KAL-EL
Superman theme plays lightly in the background. A small, baby-sized space pod is on the ground. MA and PA KENT enter.
Sweet lord, Pa, what was that?
I think your answer is sitting over there.
Is it—Is it a spaceship?
I think so.
(THEY open up the pod. Sweet gurgling
is heard from inside.)
Look, Pa, it’s a baby.
It is… A baby from outer space.
Oh, Pa, we should—
Kill it. I know.
(He snaps the babies neck. The gurgling
& music stops.)
Always kill the aliens young, or our yellow sun will make them invincible.
Sometimes I wish we weren’t alien hunters.
But we are. We’re professional alien hunters.
Superman theme plays. JOR-EL enters, with MOTHER. Sweet baby gurgling is heard, from the baby they are holding.
Oh Jor-El, quickly, send young Kal-El away before all of Krypton is destroyed.
No, I can’t bear to part with him.
It’s okay, Kal-El should die here with us.
(JOR-EL smothers the baby, the gurgling &
music slowly stops. Pause. They glance
at each other.)
Just to be sure.
(He breaks the baby in half.)
PART III (VERSION 3)
Superman music plays. Jor-el and Mother are in bed.
Oh Jor-El. I love you so much.
I love you too.
(HE pulls out a condom. Music cuts off.)
Let’s always use condoms.