Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.
Year Written: May, 2004
Oh man, I don’t remember writing this one at all – and it is craaaazy. For the record, it’s not like I had a Stephen-King-on-coke period, and can’t remember writing my sketches. It’s just, at times, you’re writing so many sketches for a show, that you’re just banging them out. And if you only write a sketch and read it once, without revising it – as I’m guessing I did for this one – there’s no reason to remember it at all.
That said, I really like the general structure and tone of this a lot… Though it was, in fact, so confusing that I even had trouble following it at first when reading it right now. I may take another crack at this one at some point.
NOTES:
In case you’re curious, here are the notes given to me by the other guys on the sketch, see if you agree: “Like the curse thing.” “Maybe bear shouldn’t talk at beginning.” “Two games (costumes, time switching)… Too random…”
I love that in sketch comedy, it’s totally normal to get the note “Maybe the bear shouldn’t talk at the beginning.”
Here’s the sketch:
ZOMBIE BEAR PIRATE
By Alex Zalben
Lights up on Jake and Ned, dead on stage. A bear is on stage, standing over them, wearing a pirate hat, eyepatch, and striped shirt.
Bear
BRAINS RARRRR BRAINS!!!
Announcer
One minute earlier!
Jake
That’s what I’m trying to explain. He was a pirate, THEN he turned into a zombie.
Ned
No, I get that part. What I don’t understand is, how did a Bear become a pirate?
Jake
He didn’t. The pirate became a bear.
Ned
How?
Jake
I’ve already explained this, he was cursed to forever walk the earth as a bear.
Ned
Why?
Jake
I don’t know, but now he died and turned into a zombie pirate bear.
Ned
That doesn’t sound good.
Jake
And it doesn’t look good either.
(The Zombie Pirate Bear has entered,
and tears them apart.)
ANNOUNCER
One minute earlier!
(A witch is on stage with Ned.)
Ned
Yeah, yeah, I did what you wanted, now shoo.
(The witch leaves.)
Jake
Help, Ned, the bear pirate has become a zombie!
Ned
Pardon?
Jake
He was cursed to forever walk the earth, and I guess that’s why he became a zombie—
Ned
Some idiot pirate crew signed up a zombie.
Jake
No, that’s—
Announcer
One minute earlier!
(Batman is talking to Ned and a witch.)
Batman
Now, I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t mess with dark forces.
Both
Sorry, Batman.
Batman
It’s okay, but I don’t think Robin will ever grow his hair back.
(They all laugh.)
Batman (Cont’d)
Bye kids.
(Batman leaves.)
Witch
I did of what you asked. You shall never die, but there may be unintended—
Jake
And I helped you meet Batman
Witch
I wouldn’t consider that a meeting.
Jake
Yeah, yeah.
Announcer
Five years earlier.
Pirate
Yar, the captain be turned into a bear.
Bear
Rarararrar! (Bear is steering the boat)
Pirate 2
We should probably kill him.
Pirate
But he might turn into a zombie.
Pirate 2
He couldn’t possibly…
Announcer
Five years and three minutes later!
Bear
Rarararara yes! I did it! What?
(He removes head.)
Bear
My curse has been lifted. I shall once more be a dirty pirate, and not a dirty bear or zombie! This is a good day.
Batman
Not if I have anything to say about it!
Bear
Batman! We meet again!
Announcer
Six years earlier!
Bear
Hey, I’m a pirate.
Batman
I’m Batman.
Bear
Whats up?
Batman
Nuthin.
Announcer
To be continued! Later!
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