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Sketch Time Machine: Zombie Bear Pirate

Because hey, why not, I thought I’d start posting some of my old/never performed/never to be performed again sketches online, with commentary about them. And I will call it, “Sketch Time Machine!” And it will be good. Hopefully.

Year Written: May, 2004

Oh man, I don’t remember writing this one at all – and it is craaaazy. For the record, it’s not like I had a Stephen-King-on-coke period, and can’t remember writing my sketches. It’s just, at times, you’re writing so many sketches for a show, that you’re just banging them out. And if you only write a sketch and read it once, without revising it – as I’m guessing I did for this one – there’s no reason to remember it at all.

That said, I really like the general structure and tone of this a lot… Though it was, in fact, so confusing that I even had trouble following it at first when reading it right now. I may take another crack at this one at some point.

NOTES:

In case you’re curious, here are the notes given to me by the other guys on the sketch, see if you agree: “Like the curse thing.” “Maybe bear shouldn’t talk at beginning.” “Two games (costumes, time switching)… Too random…”

I love that in sketch comedy, it’s totally normal to get the note “Maybe the bear shouldn’t talk at the beginning.”

Here’s the sketch:

ZOMBIE BEAR PIRATE

By Alex Zalben

Lights up on Jake and Ned, dead on stage. A bear is on stage, standing over them, wearing a pirate hat, eyepatch, and striped shirt.

                         Bear

BRAINS RARRRR BRAINS!!!

                         Announcer

One minute earlier!

                         Jake

That’s what I’m trying to explain. He was a pirate, THEN he turned into a zombie.

                         Ned

No, I get that part. What I don’t understand is, how did a Bear become a pirate?

                         Jake

He didn’t. The pirate became a bear.

                         Ned

How?

                         Jake

I’ve already explained this, he was cursed to forever walk the earth as a bear.

                         Ned

Why?

                         Jake

I don’t know, but now he died and turned into a zombie pirate bear.

                         Ned

That doesn’t sound good.

                         Jake

And it doesn’t look good either.

          (The Zombie Pirate Bear has entered,

and tears them apart.)

                         ANNOUNCER

One minute earlier!

          (A witch is on stage with Ned.)

                         Ned

Yeah, yeah, I did what you wanted, now shoo.

          (The witch leaves.)

                         Jake

Help, Ned, the bear pirate has become a zombie!

                         Ned

Pardon?

                         Jake

He was cursed to forever walk the earth, and I guess that’s why he became a zombie—

                         Ned

Some idiot pirate crew signed up a zombie.

                         Jake

No, that’s—

                         Announcer

One minute earlier!

               (Batman is talking to Ned and a witch.)

                         Batman

Now, I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t mess with dark forces.

                         Both

Sorry, Batman.

                         Batman

It’s okay, but I don’t think Robin will ever grow his hair back.

               (They all laugh.)

                         Batman (Cont’d)

Bye kids.

               (Batman leaves.)

                         Witch

I did of what you asked. You shall never die, but there may be unintended—

                         Jake

And I helped you meet Batman                        

                         Witch

I wouldn’t consider that a meeting.

                         Jake

Yeah, yeah.

                         Announcer

Five years earlier.

                         Pirate

Yar, the captain be turned into a bear.

                         Bear

Rarararrar! (Bear is steering the boat)

                         Pirate 2

We should probably kill him.

                         Pirate

But he might turn into a zombie.

                         Pirate 2

He couldn’t possibly…

                         Announcer

Five years and three minutes later!

                         Bear

Rarararara yes! I did it! What?

          (He removes head.)

                         Bear

My curse has been lifted. I shall once more be a dirty pirate, and not a dirty bear or zombie! This is a good day.

                         Batman

Not if I have anything to say about it!

                         Bear

Batman! We meet again!

                         Announcer

Six years earlier!

                         Bear

Hey, I’m a pirate.

                         Batman

I’m Batman.

                         Bear

Whats up?

                         Batman

Nuthin.

                         Announcer

To be continued! Later!

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