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Some Stuff I Made Recently

Oh, has it been a month since I last posted anything here? Cool cool cool.

I’d say it’s been busy – and it has – but as usual the truth is I’m just not able to write as frequently as I used to, which is fine because I have other stuff taking my time. Fine, I say! I’M FINE.

Anyway, it’s been a particularly weird Internet week. I posted a Twitter thread while on the subway ride in to work that got a bunch of (very kind) attention, which I’ll get to more in a second; and since I posted this tweet about the movie series Star Wars (have you heard of it?), people have been arguing in my mentions pretty much non-stop. Yesterday, I went to see a movie, came out, and had hundreds of notifications. Must be what it’s like to be Will Smith, every day, right???

I’m actually not one hundred percent sure Will Smith has a Twitter account, and no, you can’t make me check.

On to the stuff I actually made:

Grab ‘Em By The Teeth

Okay, I’m gonna talk about process here, mostly because when I fondly look back on this in a few years and have totally forgotten everything, it’ll be a nice reminder. But here’s how this story came together:

A few days ago, President Trump (that can’t be right. Really? He’s President? Are you sure? Okay then) gave a speech and it looked like maybe his teeth fell out. I have no idea if they did, or not, but as usual the Internet went nuts. I didn’t tweet anything about it mainly because, frankly, I think pummeling Trump’s physical appearance is too easy, and distracts from the pure, putrid bile that festers inside of him.

But I was thinking about it, and before I fell asleep that night I thought, “you know, Jimmy Fallon should have him on, and play with his teeth to prove they’re real.” Then I fell asleep.

Usually that would be the end of it, but I started thinking about it more, and more, and started picturing one of two things: either Jimmy would pull Trump’s skeleton out, accidentally; or Trump would bite his hand off.

It was one of those things where the more I tried to do anything else, the more I pictured this, and vividly. In order to get it out of my head, I decided to tweet one, simple joke:

“Jimmy Fallon should have Trump back on so he can lovingly jostle his teeth.“

That was it. Then I took my kids to school, and started walking to the subway. By the time I was at the subway, I had already ran through scenarios of where that might go next, and pretty quickly what it actually, metaphorically meant if Donald Trump consumed Jimmy Fallon. So I started tweeting it on the train, using the wi-fi between stops. Didn’t think too much about it, but by the time I had gotten to work people had started retweeting the thread.

So much so, I realized maybe I should try gathering it together into prose… Which is what I did. It was originally titled “Grab ‘Em By The Hand,” which is a line in the story; but it occurred to me that “Teeth” more accurately implies the menace and horror there, so I changed it.

That’s pretty much it. Not the most exciting tale, and so far it hasn’t changed my life (my book deal for “Donald Trump Eats Jimmy Fallon” is, I assume, still forthcoming), but I did find it interesting that if I had left it at that initial tweet, or decided to write about Fallon accidentally pulling out Trump’s skeleton, the past few days might have been very different.

Thanks to everyone who read and shared it, by the way. You guys are the REAL Presidents.

Is This A Real Episode Of Scorpion, or Am I High On Mushrooms? [QUIZ]

I legit love the insane episode descriptions for the CBS show Scorpion. Fun fact: this was initially titled “..Or Am I High On Crack?” which is a much funnier word, but didn’t make as much logical sense as mushrooms. This is how entertainment journalism works.

The Walking Dead: Who Will Die On The Midseason Finale?

This is not bragging at all: it’s nice that even as I’ve gotten out of practice as I write far less frequently and manage more, I can still write a Walking Dead death ranking in under an hour.

Carl’s Most Pudding-Worthy Walking Dead Moments

My favorite headline I’ve written in weeks.

Comic Book Club: Nat Towsen and Peter Naas

Fun times at the ol’ podcast!

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